The Crotchety Old Man Voices His Views on Charity Marthons
(A Possible Recurrent Interview)
Please join me in welcoming “Crotchety Old Man”!
Thank you for having me, Gal.
Well, winter is gone. I don’t’ predict that we’re gonna see any more snow this year, but I ain’t complainin’ about that. No, I’m grousing about what comes with the first of the good weather. No, I ain't talkin' about pollen. I'm talkin' about the weekly marathons, fun runs, what have you, run-for-whatever-cause-this-week, runners that glom up the traffic of a morning when honest, hardworkin’ folks is tryin’ to get to their jobs on time.
The Crotchety Old Man began the day pleasant enough – cause that’s my nature. When I had to stop for the first few marathon runners, I was happy enough to wave to the little girl waving a “Go Mom” sign and cheerleader pompoms. I was happy enough to wave to the old man – fellow as old as me – who was walkin’ ‘stead of runnin’.
But five minutes into that wait, I done begin to get itchy to get on to work and there ain’t no sign of the runners ever stoppin’! Two policemen held up folks for five minutes. So I turned the car around in the middle of a two lane street. I got just fifteen minutes to get to work by that time and I can make it there in that time if I git.
I come to the main road and dogged if they ain’t holdin’ up traffic down there for more marathon runners. Get across the intersection, and get held up at the next traffic light. So now we’re talkin’ about six policemen hired to hold up traffic at three intersections, and hundreds of runners. (Crotchety Old Man stopped counting after 50 runners at the first hold-up.)
I’m all sympathetic to folks wantin’ to give to a good cause, ‘cause that’s what neighbors do: we support one another, but great-garden-peas, maybe they’d do better to just set up a toll in the middle of Park Street and charge all the cars that are backed up for five blocks. If they was to charge a dollar per person, they’d clean up. Save the money they had to pay the police to put toward their cause. Heck, I lost $5 by getting’ to work late. Let me just hand you a five dollar bill out the window and let me pass! Some folks call that extortion, but we can call it a charitable contribution if you like.
So I’ve got a few suggestions for folks wantin’ to raise money for a good cause: sell baked goods on the corner, tithe, take out an ad in the paper to raise awareness. Lord love ya in your little fluorescent colored tennie shoes and your numbers flappin’. Give this crotchety old man a break! Raise a garden if you want exercise and give the bounty to the local food kitchen. Every weekend, a different run for life, hope, praise, pink, 10% to your charitable cause. I’m just tryin’ to get to my minimum wage job on time.
(The Crotchety Old Man’s views are most assuredly, probably, maybe, the same held beliefs or momentary rants of this blog meister.)