Excerpt: Keeping Up With Mr. Jones

Taking the steps two at a time, she made it to the upstairs hall just as one of her guests was coming out of the bathroom. The woman was in the midst of hiking up her pantyhose.

“A – a – rat.”


“In the toilet.”

Felicity knew before she looked, precisely what she would find. Jo-Jo, the unsocialized, currently dead hamster, floated in a toilet bowl of pee. Felicity flushed the toilet and stood back to ensure it went down this time. As the water rose, she snatched up the plunger from under the sink, then stood at the ready. Nearly to the brim, the pee water and Jo-Jo spiraled slowly before finally taking the southern route to the great hamster ball in the sky.

Felicity came out with a ready excuse and apology, but the woman, who had hiked up her personal things in a hasty way, was already leaving by the steps, the back of her skirt caught up in her panty hose.

“Wait. Miranda!” But Miranda only gave her an icy look over her shoulder and kept moving.

Felicity held up her hand, then let it drop. She’d figure it out once she stepped outside and the wind hit her butt.

“Problem upstairs?” Meredith, the VP of the Homeowners’ Association asked. Miranda was already half-way to her car and through the door, Felicity could see her finally yanking her skirt free from her panty hose.

“No problem that couldn’t be fixed with a flush.”

Meredith looked unconvinced. “Why’d she scream?”

“She found out her shit does stink, just like everybody else’s!” Felicity slapped her palm over her mouth.

Ten women, all crowded in the foyer preparing for departure, gave a collective gasp.


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