Land Steward... to a Squirrel
stew·ard[stoo-erd, styoo-] Show IPA
a person who manages another's property or financial affairs;one who administers anything as the agent of another or others.
Dear Cute little gray squirrel,
I have tried to be nice. I have coaxed, I have tempted, I have angrily pounded on the ceiling with a broom handle, and yet still, you thwart me.
So it's no more Mrs. Nice Guy. I declare war upon your little rodentia cabasa. I will employ the use of traps, poisons, flame throwers!
No, it's too late to plead for mercy. You can just sit there, so cute, peeking out of the cottage eave. Go ahead. Sit with your little furry sibling atop my humane $30 squirrel trap and mock my use of peanut butter enticements.
You are destroying me! I can not write because of you!! Your little rat-a-tat-tat, munch-a-munch-crunch reminds me that you are there. And now, I spend my waking hours cleaning, repairing, plotting....
So, you have been forewarned. I mean to evict you... even if it means by court order, you little furry spawn of satan.
"Out. Out damn spot." I will name you Spot, because you are a blemish in the rafters, a minion of evil in the eaves, and I mean to win this war of the wills... and return to my life as a writer.
(Too late. Do not try to get all cute with me.)